Thanksgiving has passed and the holiday season has begun. Christmas music is filling the streets, shoppers are filing the stores and holiday shows are filling seats all over the country.

If you’re like me, you could take or leave the majority of schmaltzy holiday-themed events. Don’t get me wrong, I love the holidays and spending time with my loved ones but I can take or leave the pre-packaged happiness that’s shoved down our throats this time of year.  I prefer my eggnog spiked with a healthy dose of holiday “spirit” (if you know what I mean) and I’m much more likely to watch “Bad Santa” than sit through “It’s A Wonderful Life.” “The Nutcracker” and “A Christmas Carol” are great but I prefer holiday shows that take the fluff out of “the most wonderful time of the year.”

Luckily for cads like myself, the burlesque scene comes alive this time of year with holiday-themed events that hold the schmaltz and double up on the shimmy and shake. We all know that glitter is better than tinsel and, truth is, I’m much more likely to sit through “A Christmas Carol” if there’s a naked girl reading it and “The Nutcracker” sounds like so much more fun with clowns, circus acts and blow-up dolls.

So, for all my fellow humbugs, I’ve put together the first list of upcoming holiday events for the “adult” set. Whether you’re in Seattle, New Orleans or Anchorage, we got a show for you, complete with adult beverages and titillating temptresses. Baby, it’s cold outside and I can’t think of a better way to heat things up! Enjoy.

Anchorage, Alaska

Starts Friday, November 30 I VivaVoom Brr-Lesque Presents: Surprise Santa! A Nut-Crackin’ Bedtime Burlesque Story  The ballet is beautiful, surely. But wouldn’t it be BETTER if it had the following: hot white trash, blow-up dolls, Barbie dolls, sugar galore, onstage drinking and smoking, drunken fights, social and political statements, men in tights, silly ensemble dances, high-kick hotness, circus acts, and, of course, clowns. VivaVoom Brr-Lesqe has ALL of it in THEIR version of the famous Russian story. PLUS boobie prizes, live music, comedy and STRIPTEASE! Can’t beat a holiday story with BOOBIES! The show starts this Friday and runs until Saturday, December 15.

Seattle, Washington

Friday, December 7 to Sunday, December 9 I Stripped Screw Burlesque presents: The Best Burlesque Pageant Ever  Stripped Screw takes on the true meaning of Christmas in this throw back to your childhood Christmas pageants. Misfits, wise men and a shining star all come together to form one magnificent disaster. Find out why everyone is in such an uproar over the Screws, as Seattle’s gritty glam burlesque troupe twists this classic Christmas tale and gives it the sexy sultry perversion that they are known for in The Best Burlesque Pageant Ever!

Saturday, December 22 I Xmas Maximus! The Christmas Burlesque Circus of Events!   Come to Darrell’s Tavern in Shoreline for their 2nd Annual Xmas Maximus show! A perfect mixture of the holiday spirit, adult spirits, and perhaps a little circus mischief! Be prepared for your favorite Christmas tunes played by some of the areas finest musicians, the grand comedy of the infamous Cathy Sorbo (the voice of the Rat City Roller Girls), and holiday performances by Lady Lux Burlesque Troupe.

Brooklyn, New York

Starts Friday, December 7 I THE HOUSE OF YES CHRISTMAS SPECTACULAR 2012: Xmas Through the Ages  The fourth annual House of Yes Xmas Spectacular is a theatrical extravaganza of non-stop holiday joy featuring ravishing dance numbers, astounding aerial acrobatics, circus spectacles, breathtaking burlesque and ridiculous production numbers that will have you loving the holidays like never before. This year’s Xmas Spectacular 2012 explores “Christmas Through the Ages”, from the dawn of Christmastime and ancient cultures, through the future and beyond! Be prepared to witness the most festive entertainment of the season that promises to be delightfully inspiring and historically inaccurate! Join The House of Yes for the BEST Holiday show EVER!

Northampton, Massachusetts

Saturday, December 8 I Bon Appetit Burlesque’s Winter Wonderland: Apocalypse Edition  It’s the end of the world as we know it, and Bon Appetit feels fine! They’re bringing you sexy, apocalyptic, wintery goodness. It’s a night of woman-friendly, body-positive, neo-burlesque acts all themed around winter at the end of the world! Watch as a gingerbread woman comes to terms with her existence! Marvel as Xmas warriors fight for the survival of humanity! We’d tell you more, but you’re not ready for this figgy jelly! As always, there will be games, prizes, great music, and more sass than you can shake a tassel at.

New Orleans, Louisiana

Saturday, December 8 I Slow Burn Burlesque presents “Jesus’ Big Birthday Burlesque Bash”  Brothers and Sisters! Tis the Christmas season, the birth of our Lord, and the holiest time of the year. What better way to celebrate than by throwing a birthday party for Jesus with naked people? Join Slow Burn Burlesque as we put the Christ back in Christmas with “Jesus Big Birthday Burlesque Bash”! We will be celebrating the birth of the man who is the reason for the season, by taking our clothes off and shaking what he and our mommas gave us. There will be dancing ladies, birthday cake, deviant behavior that only the Lord can forgive, and a very special appearance by the man himself played by one of Jesus’ favorite sinners, Bella Blue of the Dirty Dime Peepshow!

Chicago, Illinois

Friday, December 14 I Naked Girls Reading “A Christmas Carol”  It’s a Naked Girls holiday tradition.  Join us as we doff our gay apparel and take to the stage for a reading of Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol” in addition to other holiday favorites.  Spiked hot chocolate and nudity will both warm your chestnuts on this festive occasion.

Stay tuned for another list of bawdy, holiday fun later in the month. We’ll see you in a week for the next Tuesday Tease!